Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
