smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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