I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
