My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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