So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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