Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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