Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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