Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
