You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
