My liver just broke up with me...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We left an ass print on the piano.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
