Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
