There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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