Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
