i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
