remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
