I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
