I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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