i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
