Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
