I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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