You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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