So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
