She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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