Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
