so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
