dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
