My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
be right there i have to get my cape
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
