alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
