It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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