She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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