WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
