I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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