I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
