I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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