I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
