He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
