the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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