I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
That was before I lit my hair on fire
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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