Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
