I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
