allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
