oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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