Where did you get a picture of my penis
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
