so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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