Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
