I wish my penis had an off switch
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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