You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
