I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
