I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
