I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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